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I am having a lot of trouble forgiving you, because you can have the nerve to just bail on me and everyone.I had to talk you off the fucking edge ,the ambien you were prescribed, and now you are trying to blame me for putting you there. Are you fucking kidding?You tried to leave me. You looked me in the eyes and you looked dead already. No hope and totally lost. I had no idea how to deal with that. You were in the car looking at me totally intent on doing it. I’m so conflicted on whether i am mad or hurt or just afraid. Afraid you will try to leave again. Sad you got to that point.Mad I let you get there. I always fix your problems and I really don’t know how to fix this one. I don’t know what to do. I suggested your therapist emily you say ‘I will only talk to her, when I need her.’ When is that? When you are wherever you go after you die? I kept it from Joey not for your sake, but for his. I had to tell Mikey. I had to tell someone in the family who is not afraid of it. I am so sorry. I had to. I am more than sorry that I can’t do anything. Please don’t try and leave me again. I can’t do this, be here without you.
Today I creeped on all our old friendships on facebook.:(It was hell.): I miss you guys like crazy but you hate me. It just sucks because I told you everything and you left anyways. I guess you were never really friends in the first place.I trusted you guys so much and you all just stopped trusting me. What went wrong? I want to fix it but I don’t know how.I just feel like wallowing in self pity.I don’t know how I would react if I saw you guys on the street anymore. I was just trimmed out of everyone’s lives.It is like a constant aching in the core of me, rotting out my stomach.I have to feel numb when I talk about you guys, completely numb, or I will burst into tears. We had a billion inside jokes that we will never talk about again or write on facebook walls. I guess you were just a phase in my life. I will choose to remember the good and not the sour ending. Believe it or not I still think of you all as my bestfriends but in reality you’re not. I’m sorry for anything I ever did.Nothing I ever did was intentional.
I love you all despite your lasting loathing.
You have been the cause of most of my anxiety, but that anxiety wouldn’t be there if I didn’t adore you with every fiber of my being. It is funny how much we hated and resented each other’s presence as kids, because now I tell you everything that goes on in my life and you tell me every detail of yours. I trust you so much and I know you won’t betray me because who are you going to tell? That is what big brothers are for after all isn’t it? You are so incredibly talented and smart it just blows my mind. You have so much potential. I know you are going through a tough time but it will get better, depression always does after a bit. I love you so much and so does everyone else in this house. We believe in you and you will get through this.
Your little sister,
Dear FNC (After the Disaster),
Is it worth it? My indecisiveness is flaring up. It does this at every fork. You tell me one thing, so does she, and so does he. Who am I to believe, when I swore to myself I wouldn’t trust any of you again. Who’s right who’s left? I can’t decide.You hurt me for the sake of “cutting the drama”. I have enough drama in my life with out all of this shit you guys thrust into my life when you’re all bored and feeling insignificant enough. You obviously never did care. I used to look up to you all so much. Every time we hung out I felt so important. The funny thing is you guys wanted to cut the drama yet by doing what you did ,to achieve your planned but some how unbelievable goal, caused more drama than I ever did on accident, when you all did it on purpose. I don’t know if I’m more angry or hurt. I think my anger covers the hurt I hide deep in my stomach. I haven’t been able to really sleep. I have slept but it has been a numb drugged-feeling sleep. The kind that makes you more tired but you can’t sleep anymore because your body won’t let you stop pacing. So I sit here and type these words I want to say so badly my feet get hot. The words I can’t say to you because of one emotion that has been in the corner this whole time. Fear. I watched a movie called Fear. It was about this girls fear for her physical safety. I certainly don’t think any of you would hurt my outer being. No no I am worried about the refuge of my emotions. Your power lies in the fact that you guys get into and under my skin. You feel around find the insecurities and poke and prod them until I forget what it is like to not be hated and poked and prodded. I don’t think ,unless I get these words out there to someone, I will be able to stop this dangerous cocktail of less and less sleep and more and more bad dreams I have no recollection of. You guys got your wish though you are on my mind more than ever, more than is healthy, more than is sane. Congratulations. Do you feel special? You have ruined someone’s protection and self-esteem. Not a stranger someone you knew all the secrets of. You knew what bothered her and she was most insecure about and used it against her. Are you ecstatic? You separated what she was confident about and belittled those features and called her a slut for being too confident in your eyes.
I hope someone got some enjoyment out of this because, I sure as hell didn’t.